HAVE A GOOD LAUGH
WISDOM
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience
in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs
is enough to have killed most of us sitting here,
years ago.
"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach
lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes
the long term harm caused by the germs in our
drinking water. But there is one thing that is the
most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it."
"Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes
the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said,
"Wedding cake."
NON-BIBLICAL PROVERBS
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
A day without sunshine is like ... night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted
then
used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and
blamed
it on the cost of living.
Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end,
someone
would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's
population.
The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left by
those
who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak
SEX
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days
you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee
(Hardly seems worth it)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(OMG...!) [I'll second that!]
A pigs orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig) [O God, no! It'd kill me!]
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy) [Considering how long I was "headless" due to drink & drugs......]
(I'm still not over the pig) [Please! I'd rather they flew!]
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home .. maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a
football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine??) [Like I said, I'd be dead.]
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?) [A real good example of one man's meat is another man's poison.]
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life ... quality over quantity. ) [And they thought I was horny.]
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know) [Gee! Maybe that's why they land on me!]
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........) [Yeah!, look out ladies!!!]
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) [Yeah!?]
Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....) [Can you imagine.......?]
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out.) [I wonder how much money finding that out cost.]
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.) [I will not stereotype, I will not stereotype.....]
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.) [I will not stereotype, I will not stereotype.....]
Polar bears are left-handed.
(Who knew...? Who cares!) [Does that mean that they live 9 years less than they would if they were right-handed?]
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about the pig?) [Eeeeeet, eeeeeeeeeeeeeet!]
TRUTH
Sometimes you are sad....
and no one sees your tears....
Sometimes you are happy....
and no one sees your smile....
But fart just one time...
KIDS INSTRUCTIONS ON LIFE
Never trust a dog to watch your food. --Patrick, Age
10
When you want something expensive, ask your
grandparents. --Matthew,
Age 12
Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are
twitching.
--Andrew, Age 9
Wear a hat when feeding seagulls. --Rocky, Age 9
Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the
morning.
--Stephanie,
Age 8
Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of
milk. --Rosemary,
Age 7
Don't flush the toilet when you dad's in the shower.
--Lamar, Age 10
Never ask for anything that costs more than five
dollars when your
parents are doing taxes. --Carrol, Age 9
Never bug a pregnant mom. --Nicholas, Age 11
Don't ever be too full for dessert. --Kelly, Age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?"
don't answer
him.
--Heather, Age 16
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
--Michael, Age 14
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a
baseball bat. --Joel,
Age 12
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your
mom when she's on
the phone. --Alyesha, Age 13
Never try to baptize a cat. --Laura, Age 13
Never spit when on a roller coaster. --Scott, Age 11
Never do pranks at a police station. --Sam, Age 10
Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's
moving. --Rob, Age 10
Never tell your little brother that you're not going
to do what your
mom
told you to do. --Hank, Age 12
Remember you're never too old to hold your father's
hand. --Molly, Age
11
Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.
--Chelsey, Age 7
Stay away from prunes. --Randy, Age 9
Never dare your little brother to paint the family
car. --Phillip, Age
13
Forget the cake. Go for the icing! --Cynthia, Age 8
A NEW TWIST ON THE STORY OF CREATION
In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth
was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.
And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.
And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit
tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.
And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."
And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and
let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the
air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every
creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth."
And so God created Man in his
own image; male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and
Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach,
green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live
long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's.
And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger.
And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Supersize them."
And Man gained 5 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure
that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate.
And Woman gained 5 pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's.
And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil,
with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own
platter.
And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through
the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those
extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man
would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with
nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center
into chips and deep fat fried them.
And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled
in cholesterol.
And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And then Satan created HMO's.
CHILDREN'S LETTERS TO GOD
Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? Norma
Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones you have now? Jane
Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries? Nan
Dear God, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? Neil
Dear God, Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce
Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (but I am not going to tell you who I am)
Dear God, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Bruce
Dear God, If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton, because I hate her. Denise
Dear God, I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. Sam
Dear God, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. Ruth
Dear God, I think about you sometimes, even when I'm not praying. Elliott
Dear God, I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it. Nan
Dear God, Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best. Rob
Dear God, My brother told me about being born, but it doesn't sound right.
Dear God, If you watch me in church Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes. Mickey
Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School, we learned that you did it. So I bet he stole your idea. Sincerely, Donna
Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already. Charles
Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! Eugene
Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. Larry
VERY BAD PICK-UP LINES
Motion for her to come over (with the come hither) When she comes over, say: I knew if I fingered you, you'd cum!
Excuse me, you have the whitest teeth I've ever come (cum) across.
I sure like the cover of your book, can I check out the pages in between.
Do you need a gardener? (no) can i trim your bush anyways?
Is that a mirror in your pocket, cauz i can see myself in your pants.
Would you like to dance? [she says "no"] No, you must have misunderstood me, I SAID, you look fat in those pants!
[This line involves some body movement.] Call a woman over to you using your index finger in the come hither. When she comes over tell her "if I can make you come (cum) with one finger, imagine what I can do with ten!"
Lets stand toe to toe and get something straight between us!
If your left leg was Christmas and your right leg was New Years. I want to see you between the holidays!
That dress is very becoming on you, but if I was on you, I'd be cumming to!
Wanna sit down? Here let me clear off a spot for you to sit. (while wiping of your mouth with your hand)
"Have you ever been kissed on the navel? Yes! From the inside?
"My face leaves at eight... be on it."
Nice tit's what's your name?
Hi there, do you live on a chicken farm? 'Cause you sure know how to raise cocks!!
Hi, my name is (your name), and you can tell me yours when you catch your breath.
Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
Hi, are you wearing space underwear? 'cause your ass is out of this world.
Excuse me, but I would like to know if you had a double batch for a snatch to match?
Sit on my face and i'll guess you weight
T-Shirt Sayings
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
CAT ~ The Other White Meat!
Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam
Procrastinate Now
Rehab Is for Quitters
My Dog Can Lick Anyone
I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?
West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music"
They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
Time's fun when you're having flies.......Kermit the Frog.
POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on>
WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!"
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit.
MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
NyQuil - The stuffy, Sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room spinning-medicine.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
BILL GATES AT THE PEARLY GATES
Bill Gates arrives at the pearlies... "Well, Bill,"
said God, I'm really confused on this one. I'm not
sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell.
After all, you enormously helped society by putting a
computer in almost every home in the world, and yet
you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do
something I've never done before. I'm going to let you
decide where you want to go!'
Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the
difference between the two?" God said, "You can take a
peek at both places briefly if it will help you
decide. Shall we look at Hell first?"
"Sure!" said Bill, "Let's go!" Bill was amazed! He saw
a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There
were thousands of beautiful women running around,
playing in the water and laughing about. The sun was
shining and the temperature was perfect! Bill said,
"This is great! If this is Hell, I can't wait to see
heaven. To which God replied, "Let's go!" and off
they went. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful
blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and
singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as
Hell. Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment
and rendered his decision.
"God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell." "As
you desire," said God. Two weeks later, God decided to
check up on the late billionaire to see how
things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall,
screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He
was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How ya doin,' Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with
anguish and despair, "This is awful! This is not what
I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the
beautiful women playing in the water?"
"Oh THAT!" said God, "That was the screen saver!"
Airplanes Versus Women
Airplanes can kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.
Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
Airplanes don't get mad if you 'touch and go.'
Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.
Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.
Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.
Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.
Airplanes don't come with in-laws.
Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown
before.
Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
Airplanes don't mind if you like to look at other airplanes.
Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.
Airplanes expect to be tied down.
Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.
Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's a bad thing.
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Up-dated 09:01 hours 8/9/2001